


Why?

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Difficult Decisions, Emotions, Hopeful Ending, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Living Together, M/M, Mentioned Lee Jeno, Mentioned Mark Lee (NCT)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 10:06:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14746793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Why did Jaemin do that?“When our heart breaks it is because it has edges and boundaries; when something painful happens, it has nowhere to go, but to break. But heartbreak can grow and soften our heart if we let it. A small heart cannot hold much, but a big heart can hold much more. Our heart can in fact grow to become limitless and hold all that comes in life, even the most painful things."Elizabeth Mattis Namgyel





	Why?

Renjun was walking around aimlessly, his hands stuffed in his pockets. It was far too cold for him to be outside, especially since he was only wearing a pair of pyjama shorts, a flimsy white t-shirt and a pair of flip flops. He hadn't had time to change; he had just needed to get away from the house as soon as possible - to get away from Jaemin.

xxx

They had had a huge argument. 

Jaemin had been acting suspicious for weeks - he would always walk out of the room when he got a phone call, he would return home at ridiculous hours and then leave again a few hours later when he thought Renjun was sleeping. Renjun was getting tired of Jaemin's behavior. 

He was perched on their bed, waiting for Jaemin to get out of the shower. He hadn’t _meant_ to look but he couldn’t help but notice the glow radiating from his boyfriend's phone, indicating a new message. He knew that it was a stupid thing to do, he was acting like a possessive boyfriend, but he was curious - he wanted to know what was going on with Jaemin. When he looked through the messages on Jaemin’s phone he hadn't found anything out of the ordinary, he felt awful for thinking that Jaemin would so much as look at somebody else.

Well, that was until he got bored of waiting for Jaemin and ended up skimming through the pictures on his phone. He stumbled across some pictures of his ex-boyfriend. For a second he ignored it, thinking they were old pictures and that Jaemin had just forgotten to delete them off of his phone, but then he kept looking through, finding more and more pictures of Jeno. He studied the pictures more closely; Jeno was spread out across a bed in just a pair of jeans, offering that famous eye smile of his up at the camera, it made Renjun want to gag.

He was suddenly hit with the realization that Jaemin must have taken the pictures himself; he was with him.

It only took him a few more seconds after that to realize that Jeno was laying in his and Jaemin's bed - the very bed that they had brought together only a few months beforehand. He could feel the bile rising in his throat and immediately threw the phone down onto the floor, hearing the screen of the phone crack as he did so. Renjun stared at the phone that now lay on the ground, despite the crack on the screen, the display was glowing with that disgusting picture. Renjun was frozen, not knowing how to react.

Minutes later he heard the shower turn off and he immediately grabbed his phone off of the bed side table, shoved some flip flops on and raced out of the door, not wanting to face Jaemin.

xxx

Jaemin was fully aware of how much it had hurt Renjun last time - it had taken him almost a year to begin to completely trust him again, for them to get back to normal. This is the last time he would hurt Renjun, he wasn’t going to take him back, not this time. He has completely broken Renjun over the past five years of their relationship; He was beginning to believe that he didn’t even care for him anymore. He used to constantly tell Renjun how much he loved him but lately he never hears him say those words, he can’t even remember the last time he told Renjun he loved him. Renjun told Jaemin every day, though he barely even gets a reply anymore.

There have been plenty of times where Renjun had threatened to leave, where he had packed his bags and was ready to walk out of the door, but then he would pull Renjun back into his arms and give a long speech about how much he needed him and how he couldn’t bare to live without him. Renjun believed him at the time, too naïve to see that he didn’t care about him enough; maybe he just didn’t want to be alone. Jaemin has always hated being on his own. He has always had somebody, ever since he was fourteen years old. He hadn’t been faithful to any of his previous partners; Renjun doesn’t know why he was so stupid as to believe that he was different to any of the others.

xxx

Renjun was perched on the rail of a bridge, watching as the cars sped by below him. He had been gone for almost five hours and it was nearing six in the morning.

Jaemin had been calling non-stop and he had been ignoring him, just wanting to be alone. He had obviously told Mark and Donghyuck that Renjun hadn't returned home - they had also called to ask where he was, but he just blocked them out and switched off his phone. Knowing them, they were probably considering a search warrant out looking for him by now, and he knew that he should probably call them back to tell them that he was okay, but he can’t be bothered.

He didn’t know what he was going to do in the morning. He knew that he would have to return home eventually, no matter how much he didn’t want to, but he figured that he could postpone seeing Jaemin again for a few days. He thought of crashing at Mark’s for a couple of nights, but he would most definitely tell Jaemin where he was - he could never keep his mouth shut. After a couple of minutes of contemplating where he could stay, he decided to try his luck with Donghyuck. He hated having guests, for reasons unknown to anyone, but maybe if he explained his situation he would let Renjun stay with him for a few days. He let out a deep sigh and pushed himself off of the rail with shaky hands. It was bitterly cold outside, and he was pretty sure that after being outside in the freezing cold dressed only in shorts and a t-shirt for five hours he had caught some kind of illness. He wriggled his toes and fingers, attempting to warm them up. His lips were dry and chapped with all of the hairs on his arms and legs standing up. With another sigh he started making my way towards Donghyuck’s house, ignoring the sharp pains that shot through his feet.

xxx

Renjun looked up at Donghyuck’s house and noticed that all of his lights were off. He groaned at the realization that he was most probably asleep and pulled his phone out of his back pocked, turning it on to check the time.

_6:03 am._

He walked up to the door and rang the bell a couple of times, hoping that that would be enough to wake him up. After ringing his bell for a few minutes he tried calling him, but Donghyuck didn’t pick up. He took a step back and looked up at the bedroom window; it was open. He tried to call out his name, but his teeth wouldn't stop chattering. He walked back up to the door again and banged on it as hard as he possibly could. 

Renjun felt a rush of relief when he saw his bedroom light turn on. He could hear him thrashing around in his house, obviously trying to get dressed as quickly as possible. He heard his footsteps rushing down the stairs and then saw the door handle jiggle; The door flung open. Donghyuck was wearing a pair of tracksuit bottoms with no shirt, his hair was flat and he had a scowl on his face. As soon as he set his eyes on his friend, Donghyuck's face softened and then he jumped forward, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him into the house. He slammed the door shut behind them and pushed Renjun away by the shoulders, looking him up and down with an expression of concern evident on his face.

“Fuck, Renjun. Where the hell have you been? Jesus man, your lips are blue.” He whispered, taking a close look of Renjun’s face and running his thumb across his pale skin. Renjun couldn't reply to him, his body was shaking uncontrollably and his teeth were chattering so loudly that he could barely hear himself think.

“I'm going to go call Jaemin, okay? He can come pick you up. He’s been worried sick about you, you know that? He’s probably still out there looking for you right now.” Renjun’s eyes went wide at the mention of Jaemin’s name and he reached his arm out, grabbing Donghyuck when he turned to go to the phone. He spun his whole body back around to face Renjun, raising one of his eyebrows and jutting his bottom lip out.

“What’s wrong?” He questioned, his face holding a look of total confusion.

“Don’t call him, please.” Renjun sobbed, unable to hold back the tears. He fell to the ground, gripping handfuls of his own hair, rocking his body backwards and forwards. Donghyuck must have thought he was crazy, turning up on his doorstep at 6 in the morning after he had been missing all night and then having some kind of mental breakdown right in front of him.

Donghyuck looked down at him with his mouth ajar, unsure of what to do.

“What happened?” He whispered, walking over to Renjun and taking a seat next to his trembling body. He wrapped one of his arms around his friend's shoulder and pulled him in, letting him cry into his chest.

“He doesn’t love me anymore.” Renjun managed to say, pushing his head into Donghyuck’s neck and letting out another sob.

“Why would you even think such a thing, Renjun? Of course he loves you. He’s worried sick about you right now; he thinks you’ve left him.” He said, craning his neck so that he could look at the crying male.

Renjun shook his head and clenched his eyes shut.

“No he doesn’t, if he loved me then he wouldn’t be fooling around with Jeno, in _our_ house...in _our_ bedroom.”

Donghyuck’s breath was caught in his throat - he didn’t know what to say - he couldn't believe that Jaemin would cheat on Renjun, he thought he knew better than that.

“How do you know?” He asked, tilting his head to the side and looking down at Renjun’s face that was still resting on his chest. He was reluctant to believe him.

“There were pictures on his phone.”

“Shit, Renjun! I’m so sorry, I had no idea. Do you want to stay with me? I can set up the spare room.” He stammered out, looking down at him with wide eyes, not knowing how to comfort him. He nodded his head, a frown still fixed on his face. Donghyuck tugged on his bottom lip and jumped up off the floor, pulling Renjun up with him.

xxx

Renjun had insisted that Donghyuck stayed with him until he fell asleep. Donghyuck made him some hot chocolate, tucked him into bed and then sat with him until he was sure that he was okay. He let him sleep in his own bed with him, but as soon as he had closed his eyes Donghyuck rushed into the study and picked up the phone, dialing Jaemin’s number. He picked up after the first ring.

“Hyuck? Did you find him? Is he okay?” Jaemin blurted out, worry evident in his voice. Donghyuck could hear the traffic in the background and he let out a groan. He couldn’t let Jaemin stay out all day looking for Renjun when he was with him, but if he told him that Renjun was okay he knew that Jaemin would be over like a shot.

“Donghyuck, are you there?”, Jaemin asked with desperation in his voice.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m here. I found him Jaemin, he’s fine.” Donghyuck said. He knew that he couldn’t leave him wandering the streets.

“Oh, thank god. I’m coming over right now.” Donghyuck tried to protest but Jaemin had hung up the phone before he could get a single word out.

“Fuck.” He shouted, slamming the phone down.

xxx

Jaemin arrived 10 minutes later. He had a huge smile on his face and Donghyuck cringed, knowing that he wouldn’t be smiling for much longer. He ran down the driveway and straight towards the doorway where Donghyuck was standing. He tried to walk past him but Donghyuck stood his ground, not letting him through the door.

“Where is he?” Jaemin asked, the smug grin never leaving his face. Donghyuck could tell how relieved he was, he had been out of his mind with worry. He called him to say that Renjun had left the house without telling him where he was going, which was unusual for Renjun. Jaemin was in such a state when he called, he was in tears, he had though that Renjun had left him because he had done something wrong, _and he had been right._

“He doesn’t want to see you.” Donghyuck said sternly. He wasn’t going to be kind to Jaemin, not after what he’d done.

Renjun is one of the most sensitive people Donghyuck knew, and Jaemin knows that better than anyone else. He gets upset over little things, so this was going to kill him. Jaemin’s smile finally faltered and panic flashed through his eyes.

“C’mon man, let me see him.” Donghyuck shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. He wasn’t going to budge.

“Look Jaemin, I only called to tell you he was safe, so you can leave now. He doesn’t want to see you.”

His face fell.

“Why doesn’t he want to see me?” He asked, looking down at his shoes and shuffling his feet around. He looked like a child being scolded by his parent.

Donghyuck raised his eyebrows at him and gave him a disapproving look; he knew exactly what he has done wrong.

Donghyuck couldn’t understand why he did it, especially with _Jeno_. Everyone knows how self-conscious Renjun is, and the main reason for that being Jeno. He and Jaemin were together for two years, that's excluding all the years they'd been bestfriends; he was the first person that Jaemin had ever truly loved, and that made Renjun anxious. Every year Jeno would come back from California where he was staying to visit for a few weeks, and for those few weeks that he was back, no one would see or hear from Jaemin.

For the first three years of Jaemin and Renjun’s relationship, Jaemin had always seen Jeno whilst he was back, but he had stopped when he realized how much it upset his boyfriend. He would still see Jeno when he returned, but he would always tell Renjun when he was going to see him and he would never stay the night.

“Why did you do it, Jaemin?” Donghyuck asked him, venom dripping off of his every word.

Jaemin was lucky that Renjun had come to him instead of Mark, if Mark knew about this he would surely kick Jaemin’s ass. Everyone was very protective of Renjun; he’s the most sensitive one of the group. He craved affection and they would all gladly give it to him.

“I don’t know.” Jaemin whispered, his voice cracking slightly. Donghyuck couldn’t see his face but he could tell that he was about to cry. Jaemin sniffled and Donghyuck let out a bitter laugh.

“You don’t know? Really, Jaemin, is that the best you can come up with?” He didn’t reply, so Donghyuck continued speaking, “Do you even care about him?” He hissed, uncrossing his arms and clenching his fists, ready to hit him.

Jaemin visibly flinched when he heard those words and his head shot up.

“Of course I fucking care about him, why would you even ask me that?”

“Well you don’t act like it.” He was about to continue when he heard a soft voice call his name from behind.

“Donghyuck?” Renjun murmured. “Who’s at the door?” Donghyuck snapped his head in Renjun's direction.

“Go back to bed, jun. I’ll be there in a minute.” He said, pushing the door so that it was half way shut.

“Who’s at the door?” He repeated, trying to look over the guy’s shoulder. Donghyuck tried to push the door shut completely but Jaemin barged his way through before he could stop him.

“Renjun.” Jaemin spoke softly, slowly making his way over to where he was standing. Donghyuck stepped in front of Renjun, blocking him from Jaemin’s view.

“Get out.” He demanded, pointing a finger towards the door. Jaemin ignored him and kept stepping closer towards them.

“Jaemin.” Donghyuck said sternly, hoping he would just turn around and leave, he wasn’t in the mood to fight with him right now.

“It’s okay, Hyuck.” He heard Renjun say behind him. He placed one of his hands on his arm and made his way around. They stared at each other for a moment, just taking each other in. Donghyuck was beginning to feel uncomfortable and let out a cough to remind them both that he was still in the room. They both turned towards him.

“Oh, um, let’s go talk upstairs, if that’s alright with Donghyuck.” Renjun murmured. Donghyuck hesitated, unsure of whether he should trust them alone together but caved in as soon as he saw Renjun’s eyes pleading with his own. He let out a huff before nodding at them, telling them that it was okay. He anxiously watched as they walked up the stairs, Jaemin following along behind Renjun like a lost puppy.

xxx

Neither of them spoke, they just sat on opposite sides of the bed in silence, not knowing what to say to one another.

Renjun was furious with Jaemin; he didn’t understand how he could do that to him, with Jeno of all people.

“I was worried sick about you.” He said, reaching a hand out to touch Renjun’s leg. Renjun squirmed away from his touch; he didn’t want his hands anywhere near him, not after they had been touching Jeno. Jaemin frowned when he noticed his boyfriend move away and tried to play it off as if he was stretching. If the situation had of been slightly different, Renjun would have laughed at him, but right now he just wanted to get away.

He hated to admit it, but when he saw him walk into the house he had felt a rush of excitement. He was happy that Jaemin cared enough to come and see him, and he stupidly thought that it would be a good idea for them to talk things through.

“Okay.” Renjun answered awkwardly, looking everywhere but where he was sitting.

“I was looking for you all night, I thought you left me.” He said, letting out a nervous chuckle.

Renjun felt sick. He could feel the bile rising up in his throat. His eyes were stinging from the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Why did you do it?” He asked him quietly, wanting to get straight to the point. Jaemin’s body tensed.

“I really don’t know, baby.” He said. “It was just a stupid mistake. It will never happen again, I promise.” He pleaded, reaching his arm out again. This time Renjun let it rest on his thigh. He stared down at the hand on his leg; his vision was blurry due to the tears that were building. He didn’t want to cry in front of Jaemin, he didn’t want him to know the power that he held over him.

“That’s what you said last time, Jaemin.” He hissed.

“I know, baby.” He sighed, “But I will never do it again, I swear to god.” Renjun could tell by his voice that he was starting to panic, it was getting higher in pitch and he was speaking at a faster pace.

“You’re right, Jaemin, it won’t happen again. I’m not going to let it happen again.” Renjun said. Jaemin’s eyes widened as he opened and closed his mouth a few time, trying to think of something to say.

“You don’t mean that, you’re just angry right now, baby, and you have every right to be.” Jaemin pushed his body right up next to Renjun’s and grabbed his face in his hands.

“I’m serious Jaemin, I can’t do this anymore.” Tears were streaming down his face and Renjun could feel some running down his own cheeks.

Jaemin shook his head and chewed on the inside of his cheek, trying to hold back his sobs.

“You can’t leave me, Renjun. I love you.” He cried out desperately, pulling his face so close that their noses were touching.

“I’m so sorry, Jaemin.” He whispered before leaning forward and placing a gentle kiss upon his lips.

Jaemin gripped his hand onto the hair at the back of Renjun’s head, trying to make the kiss last as long as possible. Renjun lifted his hand up and pushed on Jaemin’s arm, causing him to release the death grip that he had on him.

“I love you, Jaemin.” Renjun said one last time, softly rubbing their noses together. “But I can’t do this anymore.”


End file.
